Game

Annoying misconceptions part I:
"Nice guys finish last" and other phrases that need to be shot.

I heard a guy---okay maybe I was eavesdropping on the bus coz I had run out of reading material. Petty semantics. Whatever. Anyway, he quoted this cliche to his friend. "If you want to get a woman, you need to be a jerk". LIES AND BULLHONKY.

Women hate jerks. If I were to go out and openly mock a girl for anything longer than a minute, she would probably follow me home and key my car if she wasn't already too busy punching me with her tiny fists.

So why does it work for some guys? Coz they're not making as many mistakes as your average bloke. Assholes, for whatever reason, do not focus on what other people want. They don't consider what the girl would want, they don't second guess themselves. They're in the business to satisfy their own agenda and it doesn't really matter who gets hurt in the exchange as long as its not them. That's why they're assholes. Duh. If they're attracting women, it also means that they've know what the average girl's threshhold for verbal abuse is and have at least learned enough to back off if they see the warning signs: lack of eye contact, closed posture, throbbing veins in the middle of the forehead. In short, they're jerks in smaller, more acceptable doses around the women they want to attract. Devious.

This is what your typical jerkwad won't do (learn from this):
+ fear insulting a girl he just met. If you're afraid of losing a girl you just started talking to, chances are you've already lost the game. At best you'll come off as friend material---at worst, you won't even make it past her b**ch shield and you'll get blown out of the water.
+ smother his girl with gifts, phone calls, texts, emails, pokes, and loving faxes.
+ pay attention to how other people perceive him. Otherwise he wouldn't be okay with being such a monumental tool. This also means he's okay with stepping on other people's toes to get what he wants and this comes off as confident and in control > he becomes the alpha male of the group and women eat that shit up.
+ lose attraction. This is a big one. Since your average ass is going to be doing things to drive his girl away from him, this actually works to his favor. Every time the girl comes back to him or forgives him, she's giving herself a mental hernia from the effort she's putting into that relationship---she's investing that much more into it. The more investment in the relationship, the more she feels like she's leaving behind if she initiates a breakup. That means she becomes less likely to leave him as the timeline continues. Ever run into that girl who's dating an alcoholic who only hooks up with her on weekends and plays WoW for the other ...whatever 5x24 hours is? Now you know why she can't leave.

I'm not advocating that you start fights with your girl to drive her away so she'll NEVER EVER leave you. I'm suggesting you don't wait hand and foot on her or she'll take you for granted very very quickly.

A guy can still be nice and be attractive to women, but it definitely becomes a numbers game rather than a skill if you start off your interaction by trying to nice the girl to death. You don't have to be a dick to win over the girl of your dreams, you just have to learn when to be nice. Ideally this takes place after you've already done something to attract the girl. Once you've proven that you're actually worthy, being a nice guy will win you points. Just make sure that its not the only thing you do. And if you are determined to be a jerk, then tone it down and mix in some variety of cuteness. Its like girl crack.

Seriously. Try it.

To be continued...

Sidekicks wanted

For as long as I can remember, I've relied on emotional fuel to give purpose and therefore content to my writing. The first time I had to write an essay in second grade, I struggled. I couldn't for the life of me, figure out what to say--until I decided to write it from the perspective of an irate citizen protesting against the use of billboards next to freeways as they were dangerous, distracting, and a blight upon the perfection of God's creations. I denounced the crap out of those billboards and I'm pretty sure I made off with an A grade.

"So what gives, Rob? Why are you telling me about your pre-adolescent writing patterns instead of filling this page with your razor sharp wit and god-like analysis of all things pertaining to the very fabric of my wellbeing? I want to hear why you win at everything forever times infinity."

We'll get to why I win. But first, down to brass tacks.

The issue is, I'm actually very cool with the way things are going and as such, I've got little motivation to blog. I inspiration---otherwise what comes out is pretty much drivel. Words lacking any true meaning or congruency to how I really feel. In short, they're just words.
---------
Consequently, I need two people.

One of you will be my personal devil/demon. You will follow me around and whisper ill-advised, uncouth, and/or illegal suggestions into my ear. You will wear a red onesy and perch, whenever possible, on my left shoulder (sinestra). Bonus points for wielding a pitchfork. More for having one that shoots fire. If unable to grow facial hair in the shape of a goatee, applicants are encouraged to steal some from a friend or use a black marker. Tattoos also acceptable. Faux-devil is also required to laugh maniacally in a booming bass upon sighting my person. This is non negotiable.

The other party will play the role of the angel. You will generally disagree with the devil and talk in an unnecessarily high pitched voice. You must constantly be surrounded by some variety of flying white fowl. Doves? Seagulls? Albino crows? You decide. I'm not picky. Just make sure it flies and acts majestic. You'll also loan me money when I'm short and fetch me expensive caffeinated beverages so I don't have to listen to your annoyingly high pitched babbling all day.

I'll be accepting applications till March or whenever something suitably drastic happens to me. Whichever comes sooner.

Zzz...

The irony of all ironies is that, as I sit here typing this grossly superfluous message to a non-existent (or very comment averse audience), I am nearing almost a full year of employment at sleep lab...where we study all the fun, deleterious effects of prolonged sleep deprivation. Clearly logic has ceased to play a significant role in whatever planning mechanism is currently under my mind's employ. Long story short, I stayed up an extra five hours. And according to the little voice in the back of my mind that insists that there is more work to be done, I will probably be up until the sun rises or whenever someone catches me in the act of maiming my sleep patterns---whichever comes sooner. I wasn't partying. I wasn't having deep philosophical conversation. I stayed up to read the NEWS.

I have become an abomination. I have the sleeping habits of a freshman frat pledge and the interests of someone at least 2 times my age. I can literally hear the newsboy dropping off copies of the Times and the worst part is that I know he's late. Tomorrow is going to be difficult.